Just Fucking Use Microservices

MONOLITHS ARE FOR COWARDS

Oh, you want "simplicity"? You want to "just deploy one binary"? Grow up. Real engineers enjoy debugging distributed race conditions at 3 AM. If your latency isn't composed of 45 distinct network hops, are you even building software?

THE BENEFITS OF PAIN

JOB SECURITY: No one can fire you if you're the only one who understands the service mesh topology.
RESUME DRIVEN DEVELOPMENT: "Experience with Kubernetes" looks better than "Shipped a product that works."
THEORETICAL SCALABILITY: You might get 10 million users. You probably won't, but you'll be ready to pay AWS $5,000/month just in case.
DISTRIBUTED TRACING: It's like a murder mystery, but for packets.

"BUT IT'S TOO COMPLEX!"

Shut up. Complexity is quality. If you can understand your architecture on a whiteboard, it's not enterprise-grade. Split your logic until every function is its own container. Then orchestrate them with YAML files longer than a Dostoyevsky novel.

DATABASE PER SERVICE

Foreign keys are for the weak. Data integrity is a crutch for bad code. Every microservice must have its own database. If you need to join data, do it in the application layer with a nested loop of O(n^4) HTTP requests.

                SELECT * FROM users; // 4ms

                HTTP GET /orders/user/1; // 400ms

                HTTP GET /products/order/99; // 1200ms

                // TOTAL: 1.6s of Pure Scalability

THE CLOUD BILL

If your AWS bill isn't higher than the GDP of a small island nation, you're not trying. Burn VC money, not CPU cycles. Idle instances are just "capacity buffers" for when your blog goes viral in 2038.

THE YAML ENGINEER

Code is legacy. Configuration is the future. Spend 6 hours debugging whitespace indentation. Write more lines of Kubernetes manifests than actual business logic.

                apiVersion: chaos/v1

                kind: Deployment

                metadata:

                  name: why-is-this-broken

                spec:

                  replicas: 9000

NETWORK TOPOLOGY

Look at this mess. It's beautiful.

A

B

C

D

E

F

REAL WORLD EXAMPLES

1. HELLO WORLD: ENTERPRISE EDITION

Outputting a string to stdout is too risky. You need a pipeline.

                    [User] -> [API Gateway] -> [Auth Service] 

                               -> [Hello Controller] -> [String
                    Factory] 

                               -> [Logger] -> [Kafka] ->
                    [ElasticSearch] 

                    // 500ms latency. 99.9% uptime. Worth it.
                

2. IsEven AS A SERVICE

Math is hard. Offload it to the cloud.

                    async function isEven(n) {

                      const stub = new MathServiceStub("localhost:9090");

                      const req = new NumberRequest({ value: n });

                      return await stub.checkParity(req); // GRPC call

                    }

3. LeftPad MICROSERVICE

Why write str.padStart() when you can deploy a 500MB container?

>> Docker Image: alpine-node (800MB)
>> Replicas: 50 (Autoscaling enabled)
>> Cost: $2400/month
>> Functionality: Adds spaces to the left.